For the Wages of Sin is Death (repost)

I wrote this on my myspace awhile ago and felt the need to re-post it here. That and so a friend could read it...
So today I decided that we all must have one SIN that really gets to us, (and I write using that term in the 7 deadly sins) and by that I mean, we really walk the line for that sin. These 7 deadly sins, as classified as the CAPITAL or MORAL sins - the major ones, and they are (as many of you may be familiar with) Lust, Gluttony, Avarice, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride. Many are familiar through the haunting and appealing movie, "Seven." All of the sins entice from time to time, but I think it's one of them really fascinates a person, and maybe this is just for me. I'm not sure, but I have a feeling that we, as individuals, identify with one sin in particular. One that really makes us smile deep down, and not in an elated, happy way, but a sinister (ha) devilish way, a naughty secret smile that we may or may not choose to share with others.
The sin I have decided I identify most with, is pride. That's right, pride, an oft overlooked sin in my humble (ha) opinion. Sure it's easy to choose lust or sloth, I mean, lust actually would be my second, close on pride's heals, because I relate the two in my mind, but I digress. I choose pride because I know that I tend towards narcissism, and exhibionism - two qualities closely associated with said pride. And I'm sure it has something to do with being an actress too, but it rears its haughty head in many facets of my life.
Sure, I take pride in things I do. When I feel I've done a job that deserves praise and recognition. Yet, my pride goes to a deeper level and a sinful level when I look to things that one wouldn't necessarily take pride in or for. Harmful addictions, damaging habits. Drinking, for example I take great pride in the fact that I am a drinker. That's not something most are proud of, but I wear it like a badge of honor, something that goes with being an "artist", and inevitability of this path I have chosen. My destiny. I am thrown together with alcohol because it is in my blood, I take pride that it is the one thing I can bond with my father over (in quite the happy and loose manner) as an avenue for other such topics as literature, history, and writing for which it seems cannot get started without a bottle of wine, or tumbler of vodka. And through association of my father, I then take pride in the fact that I am a drinker, like him. Emination and imitation is the highest form of flattery after all. And to be like my father, the harmful qualities are the ones I am drawn to the most, well, I take great pride in that.
I take pride in my sexual exploits. One might say, "you shouldn't air your dirty laundry, sex is something that should be kept private," and while that might be so I take delicious fancy over exploiting any conquest/accomplishment I have encountered in (or out) of the bedroom. Inside of me, in my deepest parts I picture a cheshire smile, a hint, a glimmer in my eye, an excited electrice pulse that courses through my blood at the mention of the word, "sex." It sizzles. And not in the way that the mention of the word or act creates a taboo or a naughty thought, but in a way that makes me want to shout to everyone, "I own sex. Sex is mine. I will raise your fucking to 10 trillion and bet the ranch that I delight in it more than you do! I am master of my domain, and my domain is sex!" - which is probably where the lust comes into play. I am proud of promescuity and flaunting a primal act (that almost all of us participate in) so much to the point that it grinds on peoples morals, gets hung up in their mouth and oozes down their chin.
I love seeing someone out of their comfort zone, and take a secret happiness to seeing them squirm. Sadistic and mean? No. Pride at seeing someone taken to a place in their mind that they don't normally visit. Proud even more, if I have lured them there. I take pride in what some say "the wrong things" - don't get me wrong, I also take pride in "the good things," like doing well at my job, finding the perfect present for a loved one, feeling like I have nailed a role on stage, and I even, and especially, take pride in others. Though there is another side to pride, and most likely why it is called a sin in the first place, where I place the wrong thing in the center of that pride. A "bad" behaviour (but what really qualifies as bad? I won't get into semantics on "good" and "bad" right now...) is suddenly front and center, is it the adrenline rush from knowing that I am doing, and worse taking pride in, something viewed as "wrong" by most in our (meaning North American) culture? I think we are drawn to the forbidden and taboo because they are just that, and while we may be drawn to them and tempted, not everyone takes the pride in them that I do.
Does all of this mean that I am a sick, twisted individual? Absolutely not. Most people who meet me upon first few meetings think I'm a fairly innocent, good natured, and nice person. And I am. (ha) But surface appearances aside, when you get to the blood and bones level, and what lurks beneath an everyday personality, lies a questionably sinful, languid, prideful individual. One whom I take secret pride in.

Pride goeth before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall. [Proverbs 16:18]